I’ve got to be able to really feel the pain or anger or hurt
of the thing that happened. But that’s only the start. I must focus on the thing itself as much as
on the relationship that bore the thorns of hurt. I must accept that’s how it was
and look for my own part in it. I journey the path…that’s how acceptance comes.
Explore but don’t dwell. See the actual shape and size of it. Forgiveness
includes saying sorry myself, as I need to. But it is not a groveling, a
doormat-feeling. It is a stepping up to the present as much as anything. It is
about seeing how everything is always shifting and changing. Unclenching my
fists. Honest. Direct. It is about not opening myself to ongoing abuse but
seeing how all life is pain. Finding the lessons. Learning: one of the biggest lessons in forgiveness is
discerning (a spiritual practice as much as an intellectual exercise) how to
live with my past. It doesn’t entail denying, clenching, grasping, clinging or
blindingly accepting. Does it mean I’ve got to choose to keep in (close) contact
with those whose pattern seems to be one of hurting, angering, egging on or
otherwise?; it doesn’t mean I’ve got to to be friendly toward and inviting of
the person into my current daily life. But being friends with the pain, seeing
how it, too, shifts – waxes and wanes, sometimes never goes away totally,
sometimes dissipates into vaporous clouds that occasionally sweep lightly
overhead as a reminder that I’ve got a past, a history and that the sun will
still come again and shine.
It’s not about blind acceptance. It’s about compassionate
acceptance (for myself and ‘the other’). It’s not about falsity or a veneer
of “it’s okayness;” it’s much more about cultivating a deep honest abiding
cohabitation on this planet. “Okay with it” doesn’t equate with “happy,”
“satisfied,” or “condoning of the offense.” It’s a willingness to see shadow
and darkness, walking through the landscape of blame, regret, remorse, anger,
injustice to see what’s on the other side of it. It’s a deeply personal
journey; it necessarily involves the raw experience of grief. It incorporates
the razor sharp edge of “rage” into the soft, too-tender skin of my heart to
be digested and transformed into a new thing. Maybe still painful but
definitely includes energy for positive movement…how can this inform the
actions I take from here? What beautiful shiny gemstone comes from the
tempering fires of hemorrhaging rage? How can I move forward? Is it outrage to
accept that abuse, rape, murder of myself and my loved ones occurred? Or is it the
deepest act of kindness to myself and all beings to soften into the aching
tenderness? It is conspiring with The Dark Side to forgive? No. It’s
incorporating it, eliminating denial about the potential of harm and moving
fluidly toward the seed of this moment. Rage and resentment kill; they’re a
violent response to violence. They have a short term value, a long shelf life
if bottled and contained. But real potency, medicine for our own healing if
taken in compassionate doses by which we can heal. Only saints can truly
forgive murder, suicide, rape, pillaging and thieving, torture? Some crimes are
too heinous to forgive? Justice is breached by forgiveness? It’s not a
forgiveness that is without pain or that is hasty or action-based. It is
Forgiveness rooted in the Stillness of Presence. For some it might take even a
lifetime to forgive; the prayer is that the need to forgive does not get
carried into death, buried indefinitely.
All blog photographs taken by Jennifer J. Wilhoit unless otherwise noted.
